septiembre 19, 2017

Amputation

Nunca he sido amigo de cuidar un teléfono móvil. Me fastidia ponerles cristales adicionales, carcazas y amarraderas. Los voy rayando lentamente en la cubierta posterior por hacerlos girar mientras espero en una mesa. Normalmente la pantalla no se raya con llaves o monedas. Siempre he creído innecesario tanto cuidado y tanto detalle para algo que debería funcionar de forma adecuada por sí solo. Si le pasa algo así no más es porque en principio su diseño es deficiente.

Recuerdo a Iván comprando unos cristales protectores para la pantalla de su celular nuevo, haciendo una mezcla casi ritual de checo, inglés y danza tribal. Tanto esfuerzo para mantener reluciente algo que está hecho para usarse. El apego a las cosas como temor permanente. Sí, ya se que cuestan dinero; deberíamos tener en cuenta eso antes de hacernos a ellas, no después.

La primera vez que se me ha quebrado la pantalla de un celular fue recién ayer. Un golpe seco, por una caída de un metro de altura (ha habido otras de metro y medio en las que nada pasó), que justo le hizo ir a dar contra alguna piedrita o algún resalto pequeño. La pantalla se golpeó justo en un borde y dejó varios quiebres radiales, que igual no se prolongaron más allá de la región inferior.

Todavía funciona, no me estoy rebanando el dedo al usar el teléfono. Sigo encontrando francamente inútil el cuidar de lo que debería cuidar de sí mismo.

septiembre 15, 2017

Ranthought - 20170915

Así como cuando uno usa un mirror de Arch Linux alojado en Colombia que no le bota a uno actualizaciones por un mes.

Así, así como cuando recreas la lista de mirrors y...

Total Download Size:   1112.16 MiB
Total Installed Size:  4209.99 MiB
Net Upgrade Size:        98.91 MiB

septiembre 14, 2017

Breadth

Many times I asked myself or got asked about the reasons in depth to get out somewhere else, abroad, to do whatever comes, either learning how to do proper research or work in something I enjoyed enough.

Maybe you don't want it badly enough

It seems like you don't want that and it's ok

Why the urge? Why do you want to leave that much?

It took time and sadness to get the insight I needed. It has always been a search for a broader world. A struggle to broaden my personal experience of life, routine, the world and everything in between. To experience all that. To make use of my abilities to make that possible. That's exactly why it felt odd when things didn't come along and why it felt so personal (apart from the pride brought down to pieces).

I might never be something close to a conformist person. Ever. Even after all the issues and problems related to that neverending thirst for something more. MOAR. Yet, I enforce this mind diet where I keep the thirst and the privilege check in balance. I'm not entitled to my wishes and I've overcome quite a lot already. Maybe I can just settle down and breath.

Maybe I can try something else in a little while. Maybe I don't want any more Big Dreams© but somehow, it feels like those are the ones that push our mood up the most. Living my small life holds for a while but at times I really struggle to keep it together.

Maybe I just need a cat.

septiembre 11, 2017

Intimacy

I literally* can't count the number of times I have been left astonished by the fragility of the masculine pride and the heights reached by its counterpart, the masculine shyness.

In the office's restroom for men, there's a door to one of the toilets that was made about five milimeters too wide and most people struggles to make it fit and lock whatever the cost. Things rattle and clash with each other. Huffs and puffs can be heard. Anything but the chance to leave a diminute space to be seen (theoretically, of course) or to be caught off guard white taking a dump or peeing.

Why are we raised with that need to stay covered from others? What's there to be lost?

* I know when to use literally. I really meant it. I have no way to count the occasions it happened because several have already slipped out of my mind. But I can recall the feeling.

septiembre 10, 2017

Ranthought - 20170910

If you are paying taxes, maybe things are going good enough for you. Seems like a good omen, ain't it?

agosto 30, 2017

Similibus

similia similibus curantur, said  Paracelsus a long time ago. Vaccines were initially made following this idea, using a controlled sample of whatever causes a disease to let the body know how to deal with it from then on.

Homeopathy changed the declination to subjunctive, making it a wish, like a prayer or a request to the gods. curentur. In that way, control was let go and everything was blindly soaked in water to "let the body know" as people drank water.

If possible, I would register "homeopathy" to change its meaning. It would be more related to the teachings of Bruce Lee about being water (instead of drinking it). It would be like the times when you have got your hands full of dirt and grease, and you only clean them up with clean grease (e.g. cooking oil, clear motor oil). You'd need more of something before moving on about it. Your structure should adjust before moving on, reflecting the lessons learned on its structure.

Be grease, my friends.

agosto 25, 2017

Bodyweight

One thing that has always kept me uneasy with my body is the size and girth of my arms. If people notices how skinny I really am, it is usually related to my arms. I've always felt that I'm just not strong enough by looking at them.

A couple of days ago, I was playing futsal in a public park and, while doing my time of goalkeeping, I gave a go to some pull-ups and it was easy. Man, I probably can't do 50 in a row but hey, I did ten without much effort and I felt good. I felt stronger by lifting my own body weight once and again. Something I remembered as impossible when I was a boy.

Who would have thought that riding my bike on a regular basis could have such an impact in my body?

julio 26, 2017

Ranthought - 20170726

The strange feeling of safety while hanging around with a complete stranger. Chatting and having a couple of beers, walking around and laughing together.

Because the previously complete stranger is less likely to judge you, it seems.

There's no better lie than the truth, I learned from a friend. To be yourself with a stranger and get a bunch of life stories in return.

Seems fair to me.

julio 21, 2017

Grades

I'll get along Arturo in this English-writing exercise. Seems like a nice challenge, although I'm not intended to go anywhere, anytime soon. It's just FOR THE LULZ, disregard the constabulary -and the postgrad education-.

I can recall all the times I had a test and failed to have the result I expected. Mind you, most of the times I expected a perfect test (because why the fuck not, I was the shit). While I was on elementary and high school, I knew by heart that the result was going to be good enough if I couldn't remember how did I answer or which were the questions. If I was able to get in the flow, things went my way. People would ask me how did I do on question one, what did I write to answer the last one, and I just had this poker face while answering them "I can't remember". It surely seemed kinda asshole-ish at the time, but I can tell you it was not mean.

When I was part of the team selected for the National Math Olympics (yeah, there was such a thing, every year), I enjoyed the challenge but never got too far into it. The clearest memory is this math teacher telling everyone in the classroom how good we are on math, "we are so good that even him -points to me- gets 87.5% of the answers right, yet he couldn't get to the next round". All this while shaking up my test in the air somewhere above his head. The memory ends with me laying my chin on the desk, looking past that teacher, the chalkboard and everything beyond it. I was just not good enough to get into more difficult -and interesting- things.

When I got into college, things didn't get any better. Quite the contrary, they went south for me many times. I was not the shit anymore and math demanded from me to actually sit the fuck down and solve exercises for hours. Things I never did before as a routine became the new normal and I reserved a couple of hours every day to practice my kung fu. Still, grades were not outstanding anymore.

Here is worthy to mention that one time I went on full Lisa Simpson. I had this Probability class with the toughest teacher of them all, the one that made people retire from the course (somethings that would happen several times on my time there), yet the first test was the same for all the course groups. I sat down that saturday morning and wrote and wrote, just as it was on the old times. When the results came back, I was the only one with a perfect score. I even answered the question whose correct answer was deleted when they were formatting the questionnaire. The teacher refused to accept ANY answer because they were all wrong...  but me, I wrote down why none of them was correct. Only difference with Lisa was that I DID NOT CHEAT, MAN! It was all me back there.

I took German courses while on college; all the tests were above 4.5 / 5.0 but never had a perfect one. Moreless the same thing happened with all the Physics and Engineering courses, where I earned my 3.9/5.0 CGPA.

When I got back my final test on the German course I took last month, it kept the same pattern of old. I learned some things, remembered many more and still, the goal I've defined for myself (to have the best score overall) got away by 0.08. Later thad day, I thought about all those small differences that always took me aback regardless of how often they showed up in my grades. Maybe it's just that I've never been too disciplined, dedicated or focused in one thing and one thing only. I'm always wandering around, so it just makes sense that I know many things, being a true master of none.

I'm a turtle, slowly wandering around.

julio 19, 2017

Apego

Pocas cosas resultan más dañinas que el forzar la cercanía a otra persona. Extrañar la cercanía del pasado, creer que uno tiene la respuesta a los problemas ajenos, suponer que si uno no se aleja todo va a estar mejor.

Creerse un superhéroe o una pieza irremplazable. Ser el guardian de la paz y la seguridad ajena. Rondar por ahí. Ser el macho protector o la mamá que siempre saber qué es mejor.

Cuando uno se esmera en cuidar un vínculo, pensar siquiera en necesitar esforzarse por mantenerlo es innecesario. Nada como ese caos sutil y saboreable en el que uno se sorprende y se siente seguro en igual proporción.