Breadth

Many times I asked myself or got asked about the reasons in depth to get out somewhere else, abroad, to do whatever comes, either learning how to do proper research or work in something I enjoyed enough.

Maybe you don't want it badly enough

It seems like you don't want that and it's ok

Why the urge? Why do you want to leave that much?

It took time and sadness to get the insight I needed. It has always been a search for a broader world. A struggle to broaden my personal experience of life, routine, the world and everything in between. To experience all that. To make use of my abilities to make that possible. That's exactly why it felt odd when things didn't come along and why it felt so personal (apart from the pride brought down to pieces).

I might never be something close to a conformist person. Ever. Even after all the issues and problems related to that neverending thirst for something more. MOAR. Yet, I enforce this mind diet where I keep the thirst and the privilege check in balance. I'm not entitled to my wishes and I've overcome quite a lot already. Maybe I can just settle down and breath.

Maybe I can try something else in a little while. Maybe I don't want any more Big Dreams© but somehow, it feels like those are the ones that push our mood up the most. Living my small life holds for a while but at times I really struggle to keep it together.

Maybe I just need a cat.